Wasn’t sure where this was going after the first paragraph 😂… but this was beautiful brother. Thank you for sharing your experience.
A line of questioning that comes to mind as I contemplate this: what if the urge to control is just as emergent as anything else? What if, when it arises, it’s the universe telling us to apply some pressure to a situation, to alter its course? What if we didn’t try to control our urge to control and let that flow as freely as any other sensation?
Let’s say there’s a situation where my kids are in danger. I’m going to try to gain control of that situation. As you mention, I still have agency.
So where is the line? When is trying to control, itself, an act of surrender?
David, I love this question—it gets right to the heart of something essential. Control isn’t inherently “bad” or wrong. It’s deeply functional and intelligent at times. If my kids were in danger, I wouldn’t hesitate to take action, to control what’s happening. In that sense, the urge to control can absolutely be emergent—a natural response to the circumstances at hand, part of the same universal intelligence that moves through everything else.
Where it gets tricky, though, is when control shifts from being an aligned response to a reaction born of resistance. Control, as I’ve experienced it, often comes from my ego saying, “This doesn’t feel good. I don’t like this. I want it to be different.” It becomes an attempt to grasp or manipulate when the present moment doesn’t align with my expectations or desires.
That’s where I differentiate between control and creation. Creation feels like moving with life, channeling its flow into something meaningful. Control, on the other hand, often feels like imposing my will, bending life to fit a preconceived idea of how things should be. Creation is expansive; control is constrictive.
But even control has its place. The question, for me, is whether it’s arising from the ego or something deeper. Am I being led by fear or attachment? Or is this action coming from a grounded, present awareness of what’s truly needed?
When I stop resisting the urge to control, it often softens. I can see it for what it is—a natural impulse, sometimes wise, sometimes misplaced. And in that seeing, I find the space to choose: Is this a moment to act, to apply pressure? Or is this a moment to let go and surrender? True surrender often includes knowing when to act with clarity and intention.
In a situation where our kids are in danger, is that not our ego saying, "This doesn't feel good. I don't like this. I want it to be different."? Is the story that "my kids should be safe" not a preconceived idea of how things should be? Is it not coming from fear that our kids will suffer and attachment to the idea that they need to be safe?
If we were to buy 100% into the idea that our bodies, our families, and everything in this world does not belong to us, that we are simply blades of grass in the field, then we might be able to say "my kids are in danger, but I have no attachment to their wellbeing, they do not belong to me, this is just the order of the universe, and so I will just let it happen." I think of the story of Abraham, who was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac to God. We can argue that Abraham was practicing full surrender of control, even of that which is most dear to him.
And so where this takes me is into a tension I find myself regularly these days. The tension between "awakening" and being a human. The tension between releasing all attachments, and the reality that humans have attachments. Balancing my soul with my humanity.
Yes I have attachments. And perhaps there's a line where attachments are regarded as accepted or not but the society we're in. Attachment to our kids safety = okay. Attachment to sex and money = not okay.
Maybe the core question I'm asking is, how do we know if the urge to control is coming from the universe or from our ego? If our ego is part of the universe, is there any difference?
I love this thread we’re pulling on—it’s rich and nuanced and gets right to the heart of the tension I feel in my own experience. Your question—how do we know if the urge to control is coming from the universe or our ego, especially if the ego is part of the universe—feels both important and, in many ways, unanswerable in a definitive sense. But here’s where I’ve landed, at least for now.
I’ve been sitting with my ego a lot lately, exploring its insidious and often subtle ways of operating. For me, it often shows up as resistance: the desire to manipulate, to control, to shun what’s unfolding because it doesn’t align with my preferences or expectations. Most of the time—if I’m honest, probably 95%—this urge to control is rooted in fear, attachment, or an aversion to discomfort. It’s my mind trying to cling to a version of reality that feels safe or certain. And yet, there are moments—rare but unmistakable—where this impulse feels like it’s coming from a deeper place, not from the ego’s grasping but from a grounded awareness of what the moment truly needs.
That’s the distinction I’m learning to sense—not intellectually, but through a felt experience. When the urge to control arises, is it driven by fear or resistance? Or does it emerge from a quiet clarity, a deep alignment with the present moment? This isn’t always easy to discern, and I don’t always get it right. But the more I get to know my ego—its patterns, its stories, its strategies—the more space I find to pause and feel into what’s actually driving me.
As for the question of whether our ego is part of the universe—I think it is. And yet, in my experience, it often acts as a block to what’s actually unfolding. The ego, as I've been discovering, feels illusory. It’s not that the ego itself is “bad” or something to eradicate; it’s just not meant to be in the driver’s seat. Its wisdom, when present, comes from taking its rightful place in the system, not from dictating how life should be.
Your point about the tension between awakening and being human resonates deeply. As I think you know, I feel it too—the pull between releasing attachments and the reality of living as a human with relationships, responsibilities, and vulnerabilities. For me, it’s not about erasing those attachments but about holding them with awareness. Can I love my kids fiercely while also recognizing they don’t “belong” to me? Can I care for their safety without trying to control life’s unpredictability? It’s a paradox, one I’m still learning to live into.
Maybe we can continue this offline when we chat tomorrow :)
Yes please! Excited to continue to explore together.
And what I'm hearing, and agree with from my experience, is that there's a level of "sensing" or "feeling" into what wants to emerge that isn't intellectual. We can feel when we're coming from fear/resistance. We can feel when we're in alignment.
So perhaps it's not about trying to control vs not trying to control. Trying to influence or control is just another expression of the universe. What it's about is checking whether or not that expression is in alignment with what the universe is flowing through us. We can check that by feeling into our heart.
That's where I'm landing on this for the moment. I'll stop spamming your comments now ;)
Wasn’t sure where this was going after the first paragraph 😂… but this was beautiful brother. Thank you for sharing your experience.
A line of questioning that comes to mind as I contemplate this: what if the urge to control is just as emergent as anything else? What if, when it arises, it’s the universe telling us to apply some pressure to a situation, to alter its course? What if we didn’t try to control our urge to control and let that flow as freely as any other sensation?
Let’s say there’s a situation where my kids are in danger. I’m going to try to gain control of that situation. As you mention, I still have agency.
So where is the line? When is trying to control, itself, an act of surrender?
David, I love this question—it gets right to the heart of something essential. Control isn’t inherently “bad” or wrong. It’s deeply functional and intelligent at times. If my kids were in danger, I wouldn’t hesitate to take action, to control what’s happening. In that sense, the urge to control can absolutely be emergent—a natural response to the circumstances at hand, part of the same universal intelligence that moves through everything else.
Where it gets tricky, though, is when control shifts from being an aligned response to a reaction born of resistance. Control, as I’ve experienced it, often comes from my ego saying, “This doesn’t feel good. I don’t like this. I want it to be different.” It becomes an attempt to grasp or manipulate when the present moment doesn’t align with my expectations or desires.
That’s where I differentiate between control and creation. Creation feels like moving with life, channeling its flow into something meaningful. Control, on the other hand, often feels like imposing my will, bending life to fit a preconceived idea of how things should be. Creation is expansive; control is constrictive.
But even control has its place. The question, for me, is whether it’s arising from the ego or something deeper. Am I being led by fear or attachment? Or is this action coming from a grounded, present awareness of what’s truly needed?
When I stop resisting the urge to control, it often softens. I can see it for what it is—a natural impulse, sometimes wise, sometimes misplaced. And in that seeing, I find the space to choose: Is this a moment to act, to apply pressure? Or is this a moment to let go and surrender? True surrender often includes knowing when to act with clarity and intention.
What do you think? Where does this land for you?
Love it. Let's keep pulling on this thread.
In a situation where our kids are in danger, is that not our ego saying, "This doesn't feel good. I don't like this. I want it to be different."? Is the story that "my kids should be safe" not a preconceived idea of how things should be? Is it not coming from fear that our kids will suffer and attachment to the idea that they need to be safe?
If we were to buy 100% into the idea that our bodies, our families, and everything in this world does not belong to us, that we are simply blades of grass in the field, then we might be able to say "my kids are in danger, but I have no attachment to their wellbeing, they do not belong to me, this is just the order of the universe, and so I will just let it happen." I think of the story of Abraham, who was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac to God. We can argue that Abraham was practicing full surrender of control, even of that which is most dear to him.
And so where this takes me is into a tension I find myself regularly these days. The tension between "awakening" and being a human. The tension between releasing all attachments, and the reality that humans have attachments. Balancing my soul with my humanity.
Yes I have attachments. And perhaps there's a line where attachments are regarded as accepted or not but the society we're in. Attachment to our kids safety = okay. Attachment to sex and money = not okay.
Maybe the core question I'm asking is, how do we know if the urge to control is coming from the universe or from our ego? If our ego is part of the universe, is there any difference?
I love this thread we’re pulling on—it’s rich and nuanced and gets right to the heart of the tension I feel in my own experience. Your question—how do we know if the urge to control is coming from the universe or our ego, especially if the ego is part of the universe—feels both important and, in many ways, unanswerable in a definitive sense. But here’s where I’ve landed, at least for now.
I’ve been sitting with my ego a lot lately, exploring its insidious and often subtle ways of operating. For me, it often shows up as resistance: the desire to manipulate, to control, to shun what’s unfolding because it doesn’t align with my preferences or expectations. Most of the time—if I’m honest, probably 95%—this urge to control is rooted in fear, attachment, or an aversion to discomfort. It’s my mind trying to cling to a version of reality that feels safe or certain. And yet, there are moments—rare but unmistakable—where this impulse feels like it’s coming from a deeper place, not from the ego’s grasping but from a grounded awareness of what the moment truly needs.
That’s the distinction I’m learning to sense—not intellectually, but through a felt experience. When the urge to control arises, is it driven by fear or resistance? Or does it emerge from a quiet clarity, a deep alignment with the present moment? This isn’t always easy to discern, and I don’t always get it right. But the more I get to know my ego—its patterns, its stories, its strategies—the more space I find to pause and feel into what’s actually driving me.
As for the question of whether our ego is part of the universe—I think it is. And yet, in my experience, it often acts as a block to what’s actually unfolding. The ego, as I've been discovering, feels illusory. It’s not that the ego itself is “bad” or something to eradicate; it’s just not meant to be in the driver’s seat. Its wisdom, when present, comes from taking its rightful place in the system, not from dictating how life should be.
Your point about the tension between awakening and being human resonates deeply. As I think you know, I feel it too—the pull between releasing attachments and the reality of living as a human with relationships, responsibilities, and vulnerabilities. For me, it’s not about erasing those attachments but about holding them with awareness. Can I love my kids fiercely while also recognizing they don’t “belong” to me? Can I care for their safety without trying to control life’s unpredictability? It’s a paradox, one I’m still learning to live into.
Maybe we can continue this offline when we chat tomorrow :)
Yes please! Excited to continue to explore together.
And what I'm hearing, and agree with from my experience, is that there's a level of "sensing" or "feeling" into what wants to emerge that isn't intellectual. We can feel when we're coming from fear/resistance. We can feel when we're in alignment.
So perhaps it's not about trying to control vs not trying to control. Trying to influence or control is just another expression of the universe. What it's about is checking whether or not that expression is in alignment with what the universe is flowing through us. We can check that by feeling into our heart.
That's where I'm landing on this for the moment. I'll stop spamming your comments now ;)
Beautifully expressed Steven
Bravo