What Matters Most?

How I Transitioned from Goals to a Values-Guided Life

Towards the end of last year, as I was making my way through The Ultimate Annual Review (UAR), I found myself immersed in the pages of Values in Therapy by Jenna LeJeune, Ph.D, a respected authority in Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT). My therapist recommended it, thinking it would resonate with me as a patient and a coach. Resonate it did.

The deeper I got into the book, I could feel resistance building toward the UAR. I moved through the sections that helped me trace my achievements and growth of the previous year…but once I arrived at the goal-setting section of the annual review I hit a wall. 

LeJeune’s emphasis on living a life guided by values, rather than fixating solely on goals, was calling me strongly away. Instead of mechanically completing my annual review template, as I had done for many years, I made a radical decision—I committed to navigate this year based on my values and desired ways of being, prioritizing them over the pursuit of specific achievements and milestones.

For the first time in eight Januaries, I chose not to set concrete resolutions and goals. Instead, I embraced a more fluid and organic approach, allowing intuition and intention to guide my path based on what unfolds and what I most value. Deliberately shifting the focus away from chasing specific achievements, I redirected my attention towards embodying my core values and embracing intentional ways of being.

At that moment, it became clear to me that the traditional goal-setting process, highly valued by our society and outlined in the UAR I had created, was not the right fit for me this year, given my current circumstances and evolving focus. 

Last year presented me with several unforeseen transitions, including the loss of my father and relocating my family from NYC. These experiences, along with others, compelled me to lean into faith, trust, and surrender. They taught me the importance of embracing uncertainty and remaining open to the unexpected twists and turns that life may bring. I also came to the realization last year that when I focused solely on goals rather than on values and ways of being, I often found myself abandoning ship when the journey became arduous and emotionally challenging.

While I recognize the validity and effectiveness of the UAR for many individuals seeking structure and clarity in their careers, companies, and personal lives, I felt compelled to explore a different approach that resonated more deeply with where I am in my life journey now. 

After I decided to abandon concrete resolutions and goals, I revisited a post I shared in September, where I explored the contrasting dynamics of intentions and goals:

“I often explain to my clients that intentions are just as powerful as goals, if not more so. While a goal is a specific target, a clear destination on the horizon, an intention serves as a guiding light, softly illuminating our path as we move through time and space. Goals can sometimes make us feel like we're wearing blinders, zeroed in on a singular endpoint, which can lead to stress, pressure, rigidity, and a fear of failure. But intentions? They allow us to flow with life's currents. They grant us the liberty to adapt, to evolve, and to embrace the wisdom that comes from the natural unfolding of life.”

Looking back, I see this essay as an important step in my coming to embrace values as my guide. Values can be like intentions–they are what we want to see in the world.

What are Values?

Imagine peering into the future and asking your 80-year old self which actions and behaviors really made your life feel full and meaningful. What you hear often reveals what you truly value. It’s a way of figuring out what matters most to us, not by tallying up our achievements, but by reflecting on the choices and actions that contribute meaning. It's about living today in a way that aligns with those deep-seated values, so at the end, we can look back with no regrets, knowing we lived true to what mattered most.

LeJeune explains that values and goals occupy fundamentally different realms—values act as compasses, offering direction and enrichment by guiding our behaviors, aspirations, and how we engage with others and the world around us. In contrast to the tangible, achievable nature of goals, values are intrinsic, deeply personal, and enrich every step of our journey with significance, irrespective of the outcomes. Our values reflect our truest desires and priorities, distinct from the influence of external pressures or societal norms. These values shape the qualities we aspire to embody and steer our behaviors.

In the realm of ACT, values are best understood through verbs and adverbs—actions and ways of being—rather than nouns, which represent static objects or achievements. They are not items to be checked off a list but are reflected in how we choose to live, interact, and respond to the world around us every day. This approach encourages us to embody our values in our actions, making choices that are expressions of our deepest desires and priorities. It's a reminder that living in alignment with our values involves a continual process of acting and being, in ways that resonate with our core self, rather than accumulating or achieving fixed points of status or possession.

When our behaviors and actions are genuinely aligned with our values, the impact is profound. It leads us to experience a sense of fulfillment that resonates deeply within us. This alignment doesn't just bring fleeting moments of happiness—it cultivates a lasting, profound contentment, like finding ourselves at home in our own skin, feeling grounded and connected to our inner truth. This sense of alignment empowers us to navigate life's ups and downs with resilience and grace, knowing that we are living authentically and in harmony with what truly matters to us.

Values can indeed evolve from mere notions and aspirations into ingrained virtues through intention, commitment, and action. Take, for instance, my journey transitioning from an investor to a coach, constantly juggling meetings and commitments as an investor left little room for creative expression, despite a deep yearning. However, as I embraced coaching, I consciously shifted towards prioritizing focus and presence, so I could establish time and space for creative endeavors. Over many months, prioritizing creativity gradually became second nature to me. As my prior identity melted away, I seamlessly integrated the value of creation into my daily life. Now, I find myself effortlessly embodying this virtue, deeply rooted within me, without the need for conscious prioritization. It has become my default state—a natural extension of who I am. And I firmly believe the same holds true for each of us. As we prioritize and live out our values, they too can blossom into virtues, shaping our way of being in the world and infusing our lives with meaning.

Identifying & Living My Values

With the final sections of the UAR left blank, I closed the document, feeling a wave of liberation wash over me. This marked the beginning of a shift from what I want to achieve to how I want to live this year. In the ensuing weeks, I dedicated time to exploring and reconnecting with my values, reflecting on what it would mean to fully live out these principles each day.

While values are indeed enduring, my own journey has revealed the evolution and reprioritization of values as life unfolds. Transitioning from an investor working more than sixty hours a week to a dedicated husband and father working no more than forty illustrates a shift in what I deem meaningful and important. This change reflects my evolving values, shaped by new roles and the desire for balance. Values can emerge early in life or through experiences and relationships, their prioritization is always within our control. The choice to embrace different values, for me, was not inevitable but a conscious decision reflective of my changing life stages and priorities

Through years of extensive coaching training, healing therapy, and diligent journaling, I've explored my values across various contexts, notably during my transition from investor to coach and working man to family man. As such, my recent exploration wasn't initiated from a place of unfamiliarity with values or a lack of insight into what mattered to me. Instead, equipped with a deep understanding and appreciation, I utilized several exercises from Values in Therapy to reassess and refine my values. This process involved examining which actions truly align with these values and initiating steps to synchronize my life accordingly.

The most impactful exercise, referred to by LeJeune as a "values card sort," involves the client sorting sixty cards—each depicting a value and its description—into three categories: "very important to me," "important to me," and "not important to me." After multiple rounds of sorting, the client narrows their focus to three primary values. However, the goal of this exercise extends beyond merely identifying 3-5 core values. It aims to cultivate familiarity with a broad spectrum of values and the introspective process of selection, emphasizing the experience and insight gained through making choices among values. Here's a Notion template I've crafted for anyone interested in exploring their values through a similar sorting exercise.

As I navigated each round of the values card sort, the task of discarding values grew increasingly difficult. It pushed me to deeply consider what genuinely matters to me—what brings fulfillment, meaning, and what will paint the picture of a life well lived when I reflect on it years from now. Nearing the end, with just eight cards left, I pondered over which values would truly make this year stand out as meaningful, and which ones aligned with my authentic self. After a challenging hour, I was left with three values that felt like a true reflection of what I aspired to prioritize. The alliteration was an unexpected gift from the universe.

Once the card sort was complete, I took a moment to articulate what each of these values meant to me and the reasons behind their importance. This next step involved a thoughtful process of defining each value in my own words, exploring not just what these values represented, but also why they held such a pivotal place in my life. Once articulated, I listed the actions and behaviors that truly embody these values and what’s required to fulfill them. 

Below are the reflections I penned that afternoon.

Creation

For me, creation embodies the desire and love for the process of bringing something new into existence. Whether it's crafting an essay, cooking a culinary delight, or ideating on a new venture or project, I revel in the journey of starting with a blank canvas, navigating through the uncertainties, and emerging on the other side with something unexpectedly beautiful and fully expressive of who I am. It's about more than just the end product—it's about the act of expression, the giving myself over to the creative process. This year, I'm leaning into my feminine qualities that honor flow and creation, embracing intuition alongside intellect, and recognizing that creation demands all of me.

Specific activities that express this value include: 

• Building Lego sets and creating artwork with my daughter.

• Engaging in weekly brainstorming sessions with Rachel, my editor and advisor.

• Starting each workday with morning pages, setting a tone of creation and intention.

• Writing and editing essays, refining thoughts, and sharing perspectives.

• Listening to music, immersing myself in fiction, and appreciating art. 

• Developing new frameworks and templates for my clients and readers.

• Brainstorming new projects and possibilities for my coaching practice.

To fulfill the value of creation, several key elements are essential. It demands allocating substantial blocks of time dedicated solely to the creative process, along with protecting this time fiercely by setting clear boundaries. Embracing fun and play is crucial, as is the willingness to say no to distractions that might encroach on the sacredness of creative time. It involves resisting the temptation to fill my schedule with meetings, fostering patience with the sometimes slow unfolding of creativity, and remaining grounded. Moreover, it requires self-confidence to bring ideas to life, coupled with the courage to be vulnerable, and the mindfulness to recognize and address any resistance or procrastination that arises. This blend of discipline, openness, and introspection forms the foundation upon which the value of creation can truly be honored and fulfilled.

Connection

Connection, to me, is about fostering close, supportive relationships with others, anchored in positivity and kindness. This includes but is not limited to my partner, children, extended family, clients, friends, and collaborators. While I already prioritize relationships in my life, this year I'm intentional about deepening these bonds to ensure they're mutually supportive and nurturing. Whether it's carving out intentional time to strengthen the bond I have with my siblings or fostering meaningful interactions with those I serve through coaching, I'm committed to creating spaces where support and encouragement flourish. Connection isn't just about surface-level interactions—it's about cultivating a sense of belonging and understanding, for myself and from myself for others.

Specific activities that express this value include: 

• Sending thoughtful texts to family, friends, and clients to let them know they're on my mind.

• Practicing deep and attentive listening in every conversation.

• Openly sharing my thoughts and feelings to foster genuine connections.

• Regularly express appreciation and gratitude to those in my life.

• Recognizing and acknowledging positive traits and qualities in family, friends, and clients.

• Making quality time with my wife a priority, nurturing both emotional and intimate bonds.

To fulfill the value of connection, a constellation of qualities is essential. Presence and awareness lay the foundation, allowing for a genuine engagement that's both attentive and attuned. The courage to be vulnerable and the strength to embrace openness lay the groundwork for forging connections that go beyond the superficial. Deliberate focus ensures that my interactions are intentional, creating a space where heart connections can flourish. The virtues of patience, candor, and forgiveness encourage an environment of trust and understanding, while respect and honor validate the worth of every interaction. At the heart of it all is appreciation, underscoring the value of every connection. Adopting this approach to connection not only deepens my relationships but also enriches them with meaningful interactions.

Curiosity

Curiosity serves as the fuel for growth and learning, driving me to approach life with a sense of wonder and exploration. This year, I'm embracing the notion of having a beginner's mind, acknowledging that there's always more to discover and learn. Whether it's approaching new challenges, people, or ideas with an open heart and mind or relinquishing the belief that I have all the answers, curiosity allows me to remain flexible, adaptable, and receptive to the unexpected. It's about embracing the journey of discovery, finding joy in the process of unfolding, and being open to the surprises and lessons that await around every corner.

Specific activities that express this value include: 

• Exploring new coaching philosophies, methods, and perspectives through research.

• Engaging clients with deep questions to uncover their stories and experiences.

• Adopting a daily mantra that embraces a beginner’s mindset.

• Diversifying my learning through reading books and essays, listening to podcasts, and watching videos on YouTube.

• Seeking opportunities to learn from others, regardless of their experience level.

• Observing my behaviors and reactions across different scenarios to gain self-awareness.

Fulfilling the value of curiosity requires a blend of time, mindset, and behavior. It starts with dedicating ample time to exploration and learning, ensuring that curiosity is not just a fleeting thought but a sustained practice. This pursuit is grounded in respect for the knowledge yet to be discovered and the humility to recognize what I don't know. Adopting a beginner's mindset opens me up to endless possibilities, while setting boundaries and maintaining focus to ward off distractions, such as the habitual reach for my iPhone. Making intentional time for research and prioritizing learning are crucial steps, as is the commitment to listen deeply—not just to others, but to the world around me. Being aware of and challenging my resistance and self-righteousness is also essential, as these can be significant barriers to a truly curious approach to life. Ultimately, curiosity thrives on awareness: a conscious effort to see, question, and engage with the world in a way that perpetually seeks to expand our understanding.

An Unexpected Gift

It was an early Saturday morning, and I found myself standing at the sink, fully present in the mundane task of doing the dishes. As if struck by creative lightning, an epiphany hit me, quickly followed by another bolt of inspiration, I wrung my wet hands with my shirt and grabbed my Moleskin resting on my dining room table, fingers racing to jot down the flurry of notes, eager to capture the insights flashing through my mind. Later that day, I honored my values of creation and curiosity, energized to see what would unfold. In that moment of alignment with my values, everything clicked into place. It was as if the pieces of a puzzle I hadn't even realized were scattered had come together. I knew, with a profound sense of certainty, that I was exactly where I needed to be.

This clarity wasn't something I had planned or anticipated, but it crystallized my focus for 2024 with startling precision. I could envision how I wanted to spend my time and feel in my body, and I felt it as a purpose. A new project had materialized, one that would serve high performers undergoing transitions in a completely novel way. This moment wasn't just about a change in direction—it was a transformation, a pivot that resonated with every fiber of my being, guided by what I valued most—creation, connection, and curiosity. In embracing and honoring my values, I unlocked a path forward that felt not only right but inevitable. I can’t wait to share this new project and vision with you in just a few weeks. 

You might be wondering, "Have I been going about this all wrong?" After all, we're often told that setting and achieving goals is the key to success. You might even be thinking, "I've put so much effort into goal-setting; is that all just wasted now?" The answer is a resounding no. This mindset simply mirrors the societal norms we've been immersed in—the metaphorical water we swim in. While goals are undoubtedly essential and serve as important guideposts, they can also confine us within narrow parameters. 

Lost in our goals and the quest for achievement, we often find ourselves fixated on and trying to control the external world. Society bombards us with countless messages about what success looks like, what we should strive for, and how we should define ourselves. Amid this noise, it's easy to lose sight of our internal compass—our values, desires, and the whispers of our soul. When there's a dissonance between what society tells us and what resonates deep within us, tension arises. We're left grappling with societal expectations and existential questions such as “What should I do with my life?” and “What makes me feel most alive?” Is it about chasing a prestigious career path, finding the perfect partner, or acquiring material possessions? Or perhaps it's something more profound—a quest for fulfillment that transcends mere "doing."

It's not a matter of choosing between goals and values—it's about embracing both. Take this essay, for instance. My aim to publish it and share it with you is undoubtedly a goal, yet it's deeply rooted in my values of creation, curiosity, and connection. Like many of you, I do have goals—they inspire and pulsate within me. However, their attainment doesn’t define or anchor my worth. That sense of purpose comes from a deeper source—my values.

Diving into your values is invaluable because they infuse every moment with meaning and guide us through the toughest times—those moments when every part of our psyche wants to give up. Being deeply connected to our values, and understanding what truly matters to us, opens up realms of possibility, making even the seemingly impossible within reach. It's about living a life that's not just about reaching destinations but about valuing and appreciating the journey itself, every step of the way.

In the middle of major life changes or transitions, when the usual signposts and markers seem to vanish and we're left feeling adrift and disoriented, that's when our values really come to serve us. These challenging times, though they may appear bleak, actually offer perfect moments to reconnect with what's truly important to us. It's an opportunity to dig deep and to align with what genuinely offers fulfillment and meaning. Anchoring to our values, we can navigate uncertain times with a clearer sense of purpose and direction, even when our destination is unclear and our future selves are still emerging.