Resolving Your Inner Conflicts
Have you ever said, “I feel so torn,” as if you’re in the middle of an internal tug-of-war? It's like multiple parts of you are pulling in opposing directions, and you’re caught in the middle, unsure of which side you want to ‘win.’ Sometimes it feels like neither is winning and other times it feels like one is pulling ahead. The longer this battle continues, the more you suffer—like you’re the one being split in half.
If you’re human you’ve probably felt this way many times, especially when you’re trying to change, building a new habit, or undergoing a transition. Or even when you’re in the ice cream aisle at the end of a long day.
When we have conflicting desires and needs, it can be challenging and even painful to decide how to move forward. This tends to happen when our natural flow is disrupted and we’re taken outside of our comfort zone physically, mentally, or emotionally, whether in a personal relationship, through a health condition, or a career choice. Exploring these inner battles can help us better understand our decision-making processes, navigate the complexity of our inner world, and make decisions with more confidence, courage, and compassion.
When left unresolved, inner polarizations can lead to exhaustion, stress, confusion, indecisiveness, and disorientation. These conflicting desires can cause us to feel stuck and prevent us from making progress toward that which matters to us, sometimes for years.
When I trained to become a coach in 2017, I faced an internal tug-of-war that lasted for nearly four years—do I remain a VC or step fully into my power as a coach? Every month or two, I would complain to my wife and close friends that I didn’t know how to make a decision, even though I was a coach. Depending on the day or even the hour, I wanted different things.
It turns out I had a constellation of inner parts that wanted different things for me. I had a group of ambitious and scared parts who wanted to stay in the exciting world of venture capital, raise millions of dollars, keep my options open, and prioritize financial stability. And I had another group of parts who craved authentic conversations, creative expression, balance, and simplicity.
As this internal strife raged on, each side got louder and louder like two siblings fighting at the dinner table. Every day, both sides vied for my attention like children competing for their parent's time and approval, each trying to outdo the other. But because I was identified and blended with each of these sides, I didn't know which one to listen to or how to make sense of what they were trying to tell me. With all of them talking at once, and their words jumbled together, I struggled to discern what each was trying to convey.
Team investing:
Don’t leave VC, you schmuck! You’ve spent more than a decade in this profession. You’re good at it and this is what you’re known for. You’ve built a network and a reputation. You have access to capital. This is an important and high-status job that you’d be walking away from. And don’t forget the money, Steve. How are you going to make coaching work to support your family and the kind of lifestyle you want? This is a huge risk. We can make this work, I swear! How about we combine leadership development and venture capital?
Team coaching:
Steve, you know you’re not passionate about investing anymore. You’re so checked out and going through the motions. Every time you look at your calendar you sink into your chair and feel your energy evaporate. Coaching and writing are where you want to spend your time. You love helping and teaching others. You also love to learn and develop yourself. These are squarely in your Zone of Genius. You’re also craving more balance since you’ve become a dad. Please don’t forget that our practice is thriving and profitable. There’s plenty of evidence to suggest this will work. You’re on the right path. Keep going.
This literally went on for years. By the end of 2021, I was exhausted and burnt out; I had poured so much energy into the tug-of-war, and I didn’t have the “self-leadership” to break the tie. It was like being a coach with little authority on the biggest stage, with each side scoring points against the other, but neither able to pull ahead and neither willing to back down. I realized that I needed to call a time-out and step back from the game so I could spend time with the players on each team. My goal was to listen to and understand what they all wanted, so we could return to the field with more clarity and perspective.
With the help of my coach, Dr. Josh, I was able to make sense of this inner duel and break the tie. After several weeks of intense coaching, I chose to walk away from my fund and towards a new life where I fully embraced who I had become—a coach, a creator, and a father. I haven’t looked back.
Breaking the Deadlock and Moving Forward with Clarity
I have some good news—it’s possible for you to navigate your own inner tug-of-war, create inner peace and harmony, and move forward with confidence and self-leadership. And hopefully, it won’t take you four years like me!
Before I talk about the process I use with myself and my clients, I want to stress that there are many types of inner conflicts or polarizations.
Here are some that occur in our personal lives:
Procrastination vs Productivity: The part of you that wants to chill and put things off, versus the part that wants to be productive and get shit done.
Healthy vs Unhealthy Habits: The part of you that wants to eat ice cream and skip the gym, versus the part that wants to eat kale and Peloton daily.
Risk-taking vs Safety: The part of you that wants to take risks and explore new pursuits, versus the part that wants to stick with what's safe and familiar.
Instant Gratification vs Delayed Gratification: The part of you that wants to spend your paycheck on a trendy pair of kicks or an expensive handbag, versus the part that wants to save and invest your money for a more comfortable future.
Extroversion vs Introversion: The part of you that wants to network and socialize, versus the part that wants alone time and solitude.
Here are some that occur in our professional lives:
Stability vs Growth: The part of you that wants a stable job at a stable company with predictable income, versus the part that wants to take risks, go big and prioritize growth.
Passion vs Practicality: The part of you that wants to follow your calling even if it means a less practical or lower-paying career, versus the part that wants to pursue a more practical or financially stable career.
Autonomy vs Collaboration: The part of you that wants to work independently and have more control over your work, versus the part that values collaboration and working with a team.
Balance vs Ambition: The part of you that wants to achieve a balance between multiple dimensions of life such as family and health, versus the part that wants to go all in on your career no matter the costs.
Creativity vs Structure: The part of you that wants to have creative freedom and pursue innovative ideas, versus the part that values well-defined processes and procedures.
These are just a few examples of the many inner conflicts that can arise in our lives. I’ve wrestled with a number of these, especially over the last seven years as I’ve navigated sobriety, parenthood, and my work transition. Remember, everyone experiences these conflicts, but our relationship with them is often unique based on the messages we received from our parents and society, what we value, and where we are in life.
With awareness and the right tools, we can learn to be with these polarizations, understand them, and find a path forward that aligns with what we value most.
The Art of Resolving Your Inner Conflicts
Here’s the process that I use with my clients to help them navigate these inner conflicts and move forward with clarity and compassion.
Before jumping in, I recommend getting out your journal and logging what comes up in the process unless you’re going to work with a therapist or coach who is trained in parts work. By noting what emerges, it allows you to create some distance and review whatever surfaces in the exploration. And remember this is a process—these conflicts are not meant to be resolved or figured out in just one sitting. Often, each side will reveal more to you as you get to know them and trust is cultivated. Take your time with them and remember each side has good intentions and is trying to help you even if it doesn’t seem that way.
1. Get present
This work begins with cultivating awareness and presence. This can be accomplished through a short meditation or a few rounds of breathwork. The point is to slow down and connect with your experience, including thoughts, emotions, sensations, and impulses. The more present and aware you are of these, the more you’ll notice and the smoother it will be to move through this process.
2. Identify the conflict
Next, identify the conflicting desires and the corresponding parts. You can do this by answering the following questions:
What am I feeling conflicted about?
What are the different options or choices that I’m considering?
What are the potential consequences of each option or choice?
What emotions do I feel about each one?
What are the different parts of the conflict?
What name do you want to give to each side?
Keep in mind there are a variety of parts and they have different energetic qualities. According to my teacher Steve March of Aletheia, we have 30-50 of these parts and many of them are trying to help and protect us even if they’re going against what we want. Some of them include the perfectionist, the ruminator, the underminer, the numb-er, the controller, the drill sergeant, and countless others.
3. Pick a side to talk to
Once the dilemma is identified, the next step is to be with and talk to one side of the tug-of-war to understand where it's coming from, what it wants for you, and how it's trying to help you. I generally recommend starting with the side that has more energy or is the loudest. For example, when I was torn between investing and coaching, the side that wanted to remain an investor was definitely the loudest because it was in a highly reactive state—it thought it had the most to lose.
3. Reassure the other side
Once you’ve picked a side, kindly ask the other side to go sit in what Dr. Richard Schwartz, the Founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), calls the “waiting room”—though I prefer to send my waiting parts to enjoy a tropical beach. Make the part comfortable, and assure it that it will have its chance to share its perspective when you’re finished talking with the other side. If it resists, try to understand why it won’t let you talk with the other side. Maybe even start with that side first if the resistance is too fierce. The idea is to remove any blockers that would prohibit you from getting to know the other side.
4. Interview the first side
Now it’s time to spend time with the first side and get to know it. The goal here is to know it better and empathize with it. Get present and make contact with the part by imagining the conflict from its perspective.
Some questions you can ask it:
How do you feel about this inner dilemma? (think emotions, sensations, beliefs)
What role are you playing for me?
How are you trying to help me? (think specific behaviors and beliefs)
What are you afraid I will feel or experience if I don’t listen to you?
What do you want?
Is there anything else you want me to know?
If you’re feeling extra curious about the part, feel free to ask whatever comes to mind. This is your opportunity to be with and know it. As you go through each question, be sure to acknowledge and reflect back what you hear. Let the part know that you hear it and appreciate it for trying to help you.
When you’re finished with Side 1, escort it to the beach or “waiting room” and let it know that it can share more later in the process or at another time.
5. Interview the second side
Now, repeat the previous step with Side 2, and ask it the same questions. Remember when you listen to what each side has to say, don’t forget to acknowledge and repeat back what they’re saying. That way they feel like they’re being listened to and valued.
One thing to keep in mind—when you’re interviewing these sides or parts, be sure to notice if the other leaves the “waiting room” and tries to enter the conversation. If it does, acknowledge the part and remind it that it’ll have another chance to share with you, but not right now. Most of the time they will relax and back down. And if they resist, ask the part that you’re talking with to wait for a minute and see what the other wants to say.
Again, your job is to take a leadership role and make each side feel like they’re heard, appreciated, and supported.
6. Moderate a discussion
Now that you understand each side, you can ask if either has anything to share with the other with you as a loving witness. Your job is to lead the conversation, hold the space, and acknowledge what is said.
You can simply ask, “Side 1, is there anything you want to say to Side 2?” and vice versa. Afterward, be sure to thank both sides, and let them know that you’re available for another discussion collectively or separately if they get triggered in the coming weeks.
7. Synthesize learnings
After exploring these different parts and working through the inner polarization, it's important to take some time to synthesize the learnings from this process. This means reflecting on the insights and information that you've gained from the discussion between two conflicting parts, and considering how you want to move forward.
To synthesize your learnings, start by reflecting on the different perspectives that you encountered during the discussion. What did each part have to say, and how did they contribute to the conversation? What do they want? What are they feeling? How are they trying to help you? What did you learn about your different values, priorities, and motivations during this process?
Next, consider how the insights from the discussion can help you make decisions and take action. What are the potential benefits and drawbacks of each choice or option? How does each choice align with your values and priorities, and which one feels most aligned with your inner compass?
By synthesizing your learnings from the discussion, you can gain clarity and move forward with greater confidence, purpose, and self-leadership. Depending on the intensity of the conflict, you may get clarity after one session or you might need to repeat it many times. You’ll know when you’re ready to move forward.
The Path to Self-Leadership
As we work through our inner conflicts, we become more self-aware and more in tune with our values, desires, and fears. This increased self-awareness enables us to become compassionate and capable leaders of our inner system and make decisions that are more aligned with what we truly value, even if it means disappointing one side of the tug-of-war. It also helps us cultivate a willingness to sit with discomfort and uncertainty and to prioritize the long-term benefits over the short-term gains.
When we embrace our inner polarizations and consider the needs and desires of each conflicting part, we can make better decisions grounded in clarity, confidence, and compassion. And this helps us lead and live a more fulfilling and satisfying life, aligned with our deepest values and priorities.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been sitting with a new inner tug of war—to pivot my coaching practice away from founder coaching towards what I’m calling “work-life transition coaching.” Instead of getting identified and caught up in the conflict, as I did for so many years, I quickly recognized the parts that wanted different things for me and I got to know them. I simply followed the process that I just shared, and, within a few weeks, not only did I have the clarity I was seeking but I also had permission and trust from my inner parts to decide on behalf of the whole system.
This is self-leadership in action.